Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Here it goes

So tonight I was again reminded why my life is this way. The truth is I know this for a very long time already but I try to avoid thinking about it so I shove all the resentments at the back of my head hoping it will just go away if I ignore it. But you see no matter what you do to avoid facing the truth, life will find a way to slap you the reality of your life.  A small incident could trigger the deepest pain you have been keeping to yourself. Even if it is essentially a minor issue it could trigger a deep pain because a series of small pinches could lead to a bigger hole than you would realize.
A few days ago I saw a photo of my current self, it was sort of a stolen shot so what I saw was me in my unguarded moment. And that guy I saw is really just a shadow of what he used to be 10 years ago. I look physically dreadful, balding and overweight with really ugly skin. I don't want to self loathe but what I saw is harsh wake up call of what I have become. Here I saw the physical manifestation of  my ugly life. I thought I already accepted my fate but no.
So to this person who I can never tell this personally because I will succumb to guilt, THANK YOU for reminding me how I feel pathetic I feel. I've been trying my best to suppress it. I've been trying my best not to blame you of what I have become because things happen because I allowed it but seriously you emotional blackmail over the years have left a lasting damage that I don't know if it can fully recover. There's so much resentment in my heart I've been wishing to go away because I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY . I swear I don't but you are not making it easy. I hope and pray that you will realize because I can never tell it personally, I don't have the guts and I'm just afraid it will just backfire and once again I suffer

Monday, September 04, 2017

Almost 30

Note: This is originally posted on my Facebook

When I turned 29 last year all I can think about is turning 30. And now it's almost here. As I near the end of my 20s there’s so much in my mind so let me share some random thoughts:
1. I’m time conscious in general but sometimes hindi mo rin talaga marerealize how time passes by until a thing or an event will remind you so. Simple stuff like na pa-obsolete na ang CD, DVD and digicam or yung mga stores sa malls na kinalakihan mo eh nag sara na. And of course mortality. May neighbor kami who passed away a few weeks ago. Hindi naman kami close pero sanay kasi ako since bata pa na nakikita ko sya sa tindahan nila nanonood ng TV lalo na sa gabi so the first night na nadaanan ko yung store nila and saw someone else watching TV, it made me sad because she’s really gone and it will never be the same again.
2. In connection to that, sometimes you won’t realize that the window of opportunity is closing because you keep on second guessing yourself thinking “next time na lang” or “someday I will” kaso lumipas na panahon wala ka naman ginagawa. One of my simple dreams before eh ma-publish sa Young Blood section ng PDI but I never tried submitting until a few weeks ago. I attempted when I was a student but I couldn't finish anything because most of the time I don’t feel confident na worthy yung sinusulat ko hanggang sa hindi na ako nag attempt pa and tuluyan na nawalan sa isipan ko until a few weeks ago kasi na realize ko na 29 years old nga pala cut off. So finally I submitted for the first and last time. Realistically I don’t think I will be chosen kasi rushed yun because I simply wanted to at least try while I’m still qualified and let's be honest that's not the foundation of a well-written and worth-reading piece. May regret ako kasi dapat noon ko pa rin talaga sinusubukan until mapili but oh well lesson learned. Seize an opportunity while you still possibly can and don’t let the fear of failure stop you from taking a chance.
3. I have a love/hate thing with social media. I’m not talking about the political divide that is very present here (that’s another issue) but more on a personal level. I love how it can connect you to people in such an accessible way. It’s good to still be a witness sa happenings sa buhay nila but downside is sometimes hindi mo rin talaga maiwasan hindi i-compare ang buhay mo sa buhay nila. I know I should not let insecurity get me but there are times I just can’t help but feel envious and say to myself “Ay buti pa sila”. I hate feeling that way kaya I try to lessen my time browsing the feed or dwell too much with certain updates. I know it's human nature but it's a feeling that you should not let take over your mindset.
4. It’s a sad reality that over the years you could grew apart with some people who were close to you at one point in your life. Walang away, walang issue pero kapag nagkita kayo nakakailang na. Worst feeling yung magkikita kayo sa jeep or a gathering and you try to strike a conversation beyond the initial kamustahan pero it’s a struggle to keep it going kasi hindi na talaga kayo click. On the flip side, I have friends na kahit once a year lang kayo nagkikita or even years apart eh parang walang nagbago. You are so comfortable with each other as if kahapon lang kayo huli nagkita.
5. Nostalgia is a nice feeling. Na-appreciate mo yung mga bagay na dati you just take for granted. But it’s a double edged sword kasi nostalgia can also blind you from appreciating the present. May mentality din kasi tayo na “mas mabuti pa dati” pero minsan hindi naman yun totally totoo kasi may tendency tayo na naaalala lang natin yung positive highlight ng past kaya naro-romanticize natin yun. If you are struggling at present, the past glory of course would look better. But struggling is necessary to achieve glory. Looking back should never keep you from moving forward.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Yes, i Can't Shut Up About It!

In less than 2 months, I will turn THIRTY YEARS OLD. Honestly last year all I can think about is turning 30 this year. Just see the previous posts I had.   I tried my best to contain my insecurities but dear Lord I can't help but feel like a loser. Sometimes I think I'm okay then some minor thing would pop up out of nowhere and trigger these emotions yet again. I'm not gonna l that where I am right now is truly my fault. I played it safe. So afraid to make a  move. So afraid to take a risk. Too lazy. No one to blame but myself.
But reaching this milestone age should give  me the push to do better in life. Stop whining. Do something. Take a risk. Stop fearing the world HASSLE. Just stop

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Reflect



I seriously need time to reflect. Turning 30 this year and I'm freaking out. I'm nowhere near my life goals. I'm constantly worried about how my life in general. Nine years since I graduated from college and one thing I really missed is my idealism. I’ve felt this beaten long ago but I refused to acknowledge it because choosing to do so could be the start of something that I will regret in the long run. It’s a feeling that I’ve been trying to shrug off as just a phase but I just can’t deny it anymore. Nine years ago, I had a game plan on how I will live my life and at present I’m nowhere near what was my dream before. “Was’ because right now I don’t feel that it’s my dream anymore. I don’t feel the same drive and enthusiasm that I used to have. I won’t deny that at one point my life I regretted some of my past decisions that were fueled by passion. I wish I was more practical and realistic back then. Maybe if I were that kind of person I wouldn’t feel this way anymore. However if I look back during those times and if I ask myself did I regret having those memories? I can honestly say that the answer is no. I had the time of my life and I learned so many lessons. Truth be told, maybe it is part of the reason why I feel this way right now. I’ve set myself up for disappointment. Maybe it’s not yet late, maybe I could still be that optimistic fresh graduate that I used to be. But right now I’m struggling to hold on what little drive that I still have inside

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

I'm good!

Thank you the concerned person who commented on my last blog entry. I really appreciate it. I didn't think anyone is still reading this blog actually since I don't post often anymore and if I do, it's just full of angsT ;) But to give an update on my last entry, I'm doing good now. It turns out I had thick phlegm issues causing me to have those episodes but the doctor just prescribed me anti biotics and all is well. Than k God!

Anyway, last month this blog turned 12! It's been so long :D.  I started this blog when  I was 17 and now I will turn 30 in September! Time flies! Sometimes I still can't believe I'm already this old, I still feel a little young haha but hey growing old is a privilege and I thank God for that!

Monday, February 06, 2017

Breathe

For the second day in a row, I woke up suddenly gasping for air. It was scary. I felt suffocated. It lasted only a few seconds but it was scary. I will have  a medical check up later. I dread it so much. I know I need it but I fear that my already limited life will once again take a setback. And of course this reminded me how I hate that we don't have HMO in the company I work with. I'm afraid of getting sick because of that. I'm not protected. Still I'm afraid of leaving my job because I can honestly say that despite the lack of good benefits I love my job and I'm great at it. And it's a job that's a fit for my interest. But I hate that it isn't practical. I hate that I have regrets that I pursued a career that's not financially rewarding. I hate that I wish I took a different path. I feel so unlucky in life. Oh I know other people have it worst but right now I just feel so down. I can't catch a break.. I want to stop feeling this way. I really do. Oh Lord please guide me today. I hope my worst fears will not be realized, So worried. So stressed. So miserable.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

My 10 Favorite Sitcom Episodes of 2016


My annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms I watched this year. As usual for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. Lots of new shows on my list this year :)
(Previous lists: 2015, 2014, 2013,2012)

1. Mom Season 3 Episode 7: Kreplach and a Tiny Tush
- This episode features one of my all time favorite sequence! The dinner scenewhere Bonnie and Christie hosted for Violet's visiting boyfriend and mother was so well executed with non-stop laughs from start to finish. It also manifests why the old school multicam style format still works with the right writing, acting and directing.

2. Bob's Burgers Season 6 Episode 19: Glued, Where's My Bob
- I binge watched this animated comedy this year and immediately climbed to one of my all time favorites. I initially thought this show was like Family Guy which was too racy and hyper for my taste but this show is indeed excellent. This episode where Bob find himself stuck in a toilet bowl and became a news item was so hilarious

3. Superstore Season 1 Episode 11: Strike
-  My favorite new comedy this year featuring an excellent ensemble led by Ugly Betty star America Ferrera. This workplace comedy is set in a big box store and this episode is the season 1 finale where the crew goes on strike after their manager got fired for giving a new mother vacation leave which is against corporate rules. This is the episode where the show found the right balance between comedy and real life issues.

4. The Good Place Season 1 Episode 1: Everything is Fine
- The pilot of this afterlife comedy just won me over from the first sequence alone. It's whimsical with sharp wit that showcases a pitch perfect role for Kristen Bell. I can't wait what will happen next as the show teased a potential awesome showdown with "The Bad Place" as it returns from hiatus next month.

5. The Middle Season 8 Episode 1: The Core Group
- Of course one of my all time favorite comedies is stil present and as usual I had a hard time picking one episode I loved the most this year. Anyway, I ultimately chose the Season 8 premiere as the Hecks dealt with the realities of life that they are growing older and that the "core group" will no longer be just them as the kids are now having lives of their own. As someone who watched this show started 8 years ago, it hit me big time (as it also relates in my real life).

6. Speechless Season 1 Episode 8: R-R-Raycation
- This new family comedy is about a family with a teen that has Cerebral Palsy. What I like about this show in general is that they don't make the show to be to schmaltzy and preachy. JJ (the one with the disability) is basically like your regular teen who wants to as normal as possible. This episode deals with his first heartbreak and it was so well done. It was heartwarming but not patronizing at all. 

7. American Housewife Season 1 Episode 2: The Nap
- The pilot had mixed reviews so I really had not expectation as long as it is enjoyable enough. I liked the pilot so I decided to continue but wow as early as the 2nd episode the show already found its comedic voice that made me think oh this show will be one of my favorites. This episode deals with how the mother is having a hard time just to have a simple nap because of all the errands and responsibilits she has to do. It's a very simple premise but they hit the right comedic tones that resulted to a very funny (and relatable) episode.

8. Black-ish Season 2 Episode 16: Hope
Hope-This much talked about episode of Black-ish is more serious than usual as it deals with conflicts African American face with police officers. It's a hot and potential polarizing topic but the way they handled it with the just the right amount of seriousness without going too preachy  and most importantly not forgetting the humour. 

9. Mike & Molly Season 6 Episode 13: I See Love
- The series finale of this underrated comedy is sweet and funny as Mike & Molly welcomes their child. I loved that it featured all the recurring characters as well. It also showcased the program's strength, it's strong ensemble that made this show not just about people poking fun at people, It's a romcom the eventually morphed into a family comedy. I miss this show. 

10. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Season 1 Episode 13: Josh and I Go to Los Angeles
Not a 30-minute sitcom but I just love this musical comedy so much I can't leave it off the list. The songs are just so well-produced and most importantly funny! I chose this episode because it featured my favorite song and musical moment of this show so far: JAP Battle! JAP means Jewish American Princess. The song is just funny and the musical number it self was so hilarious. 

Friday, December 30, 2016

My Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2016

The 10 movies that I've seen in the theater this year (which sadly was not a lot!) that left a lasting impression! 

10. The Jungle Book
-  Wonderful production, breath taking technical achievement!

9. Moana
- The story is nothing new but the songs were fantastic and the animation was just on another level

8. Room
- Heartbreaking story with two terrific performances that will trigger all kinds of emotions from your inner being.

7. Finding Dory 
- The sequel that did not disappoint!

6. Everything About Her
- My favorite local mainstream movie. Funny, tender and heartbreaking.

5. Your Name
- My first anime film in the big screen! A very engaging movie from start to end.

4. Train to Busan
- It lived up to the hype! One of the most thrilling and entertaining theater experience this year. Reminds you the joys of watching a movie with a receptive audience.

3. Spotlight
- The current Oscar Best Picture winner! Once upon a time I dreamt of becoming a journalist and this film reminded me why.

2. Sunday Beauty Queens
- The best picture on this year's MMFF! This documentary will get you a true glimpse of how our fellow Filipinos deal and survive working and living in a foreign land. No melodrama but just real and pure emotions.

1. Zootopia
-  A film that is more than just cute animals talking! With how intolerance and misinformation are putting the society backwards these days, this animated movie couldn't be more apt.

****
Favorites from the past years:
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

My Hot 100 for 2016

My Favorite Songs for 2016

  1. Closer - The Chainsmokers feat Halsey  
  2. In The Name of  Love - Martin Garrix feat Bebe Rexha 
  3. Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur
  4. Sila - Sud
  5. Versace on the Floor - Bruno Mars
  6. Where My Love Goes - Lawson
  7. Secret Love Song - Little Mix feat Jason DeRulo
  8. Drive It Like You Stole It - Sing Street
  9. Ambon - Barbie Almabis
  10. Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots
  11. Don't Let Me Down - The Chainsmokers feat Daya
  12. Middle - DJ Snake feat Bipolar Sunshine
  13. Nobody's Better - Z feat Fetty Wap
  14. 24K Magic - Bruno Mars
  15. Hymn for the Weekend - Coldplay
  16. Send My Love (To Your New Lover) - Adele
  17. Can't Stop the Feeling - Justin Timberlake
  18. Waste a Moment - Kings of Leon
  19. Pariwara - Ely Buendia and Itchyworms
  20. Bitter Song - Callalily feat Maychelle Baay of Moonstar88 
  21. We Don't Talk Anymore - Charlie Puth feat Selena Gomez
  22. Rock Bottom - Hailee Steinfeld feat DNCE
  23. Something I Need - Morisette Amon and Piolo Pascual
  24. Piece by Piece (Idol Version) - Kelly Clarkson
  25. Kids - One Republic
  26. All I Ask - Adele
  27. Cheap Thrills - Sia feat Sean Paul
  28. Love Yourself - Justin Bieber
  29. When We Were Young - Adele
  30. Stitches - Shawn Mendes
  31. Jet Black Heart - 5 Seconds of Summer 
  32. Let It Go - James Bay
  33. Ambon - Stark
  34. 7 Years - Lukas Graham
  35. Cold Water - Major Lazer feat Justin Bieber & Mo
  36. One Dance - Drake feat Wiz Kid and Kyla
  37. Work - Rihanna feat Drake
  38. Monumento - Kyla and Kris Lawrence
  39. Trumpets - Sak Noel & Salvi feat Sean Paul
  40. Starving - Hailee Steinfeld feat Grey and Zedd
  41. I Found a Girl - The Vamps
  42. Gold - Kiarra
  43. Good Grief - Bastille
  44. The Sound - The 1975
  45. Ride - Twenty One Pilots
  46. Close - Nick Jonas feat Tove Lo
  47. Heathens - Twenty One Pilots
  48. Starboy - The Weekend feat Daft Punk
  49. Jumpshot - Dawin
  50. Nobody But Me - Michael Buble
  51. Weird People - Little Mix
  52. Rockabye - Clean Bandit feat Sean Paul & Anne Marie
  53. Try Everything - Shakira
  54. Kiss It Better - Rihanna
  55. Cake By The Ocean - DNCE
  56. Alexander Hamilton - Hamilton Cast
  57. Hiling - Mark Carpio
  58. Wag Mong Aminin - Rico Blanco
  59. Up - Sing Street
  60. Paasa (T.A.N.G.A) - Yeng Constantino
  61. How Far I'll Go - Auli'i Cravalho / Janella Salvador
  62. All We Know - The Chainsmokers feat Phoebe Ryan
  63. Bawat Daan - Ebe Dancel
  64. We Know The Way - Opetaia Foai and Lin Manuel Miranda
  65. Perfect Strangers - Jonas Blue
  66. My Shot - Hamilton Cast
  67. You're Welcome - Dwayne Johnson
  68. The Greatest - Sia feat Kendrick Lamar
  69. Shout Out to My Ex - Little Mix
  70. Pillowtalk - Zayn
  71. Adventure of a Lifetime - Coldplay
  72. Water Under the Bridge - Adele
  73. i hate u, i love u - gnash feat Olivia O' Brien 
  74. Sit Still Look Pretty - Daya
  75. Dalawang Letra - Itchyworms
  76. Me, Myself & I - G-Eazy x Bebe Rexha
  77. Roses - The Chainsmokers feat Rosez
  78. This is What You Came For - Calvin Harris feat Rihanna
  79. Pasensya Ka Na - Silent Sanctuary
  80. Tala - Sarah Geronimo
  81. Isang Pamilya Tayo Ngayong Pasko- Various Artists
  82. History - One Direction
  83. Just Like Fire - Pink
  84. All Night - The Vamps
  85. Black Beatles - Rae Sremmund feat Gucci Mane
  86. Youth - Troye Zivan
  87. Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes
  88. Oh Pag Ibig - Bailey May and Ylona Garcia
  89. Still Falling For You - Ellie Goulding
  90. Into You - Ariana Grande
  91. Side to Side - Ariana Grande feat Nicki Minaj
  92. Jap Battle - Crazy Ex Girlfriend Cast
  93. The Horns - DJ Katch
  94. Perfect Illusion - Lady GaGa
  95. In The Night - The Weeknd
  96. Wherever I Go - One Republic
  97. Me Too - Meghan Trainor
  98. My House - Flo Rida
  99. All In My Head - Fifth Harmony feat Fetty Wap
  100. Lagi Mong Tatandaan - Parokya ni Edgar
***

Friday, August 12, 2016

As Usual

Stagnant.
This is how my life has been. I'm scared of major changes to be honest. But there's a part of me that wants to explore life. It's not practical though. So much needs. I need to look out on people.
Lately I'm just distracting myself and allowing my self to engage with guilty pleasures and shallow stuff. But still don't get me wrong I'm grateful for a lot of things especially my family's safety and generally good health.
Oh well in less than a month I'll be 29. I feel like I need to learn so much  more that I haven't had the chance to do so I'm such a mess right now.

Friday, July 08, 2016

Frustrated

So yes I'm blogging again because I'm so frustrated with my life right now.  Still struggling with my finances. I tried to look for another job but to no avail. I wish my current company has better benefits and higher salary so I don't have thoughts of leaving  but what can I do. I do love the people here and respect the bosses, but I constantly worry about getting stuck on a dead end. My salary is just enough for helping out my family with out expenses, with a little extra to save up but it's not growing the way I hoped it would be.
I'm sad because none of my plans when I graduated 8 years ago happened. I felt so envious when I saw some college friends getting their masteral degree already. That was my plan and probably it's too late for it to happen anymore. I don't have the money to finance it and frankly probably I don't have the drive anymore. There are just so many things to think about first.
My parents are getting older and I don't want them to worry about me and my other siblings but I know they always worry about us. My two older siblings have volatile careers. My sister is once again about to go jobless again since our business folded up two years ago. I get so frustrated but what can I do. I always help her get a job by clicking on job listings online. Since the business ended, she had like 4 jobs, nothing that lasted a year. And she's nearing 40 years old, opportunities are getting slimmer as year goes by. I don't like the feeling but I can't help but feel resentment about that business, it was such a big blow, we haven't fully recovered until now. The failure still stings up until today. Our lives could have been so different if the business worked out the way we hoped it would be.
I hate checking Facebook these days seeing how my friends in school are doing well in their life now. Whether they have good careers or they have seemingly happy families of their own right now. I feel envious. Probably some of those are just facades but what  do I know? I know I have nothing to brag about my life right now. Because my life  is mediocre.Of course I know others have it worst but still, it's a struggle.God please guide me.